Happy Birthday Mom!

Well, once again it's the day my mom should be getting a year older. She should be 51 today, instead she's 48 always, and forever. This is her third birthday that has passed without her and yet today isn't any easier then the first or the second. In fact her first birthday that passed without her I was still in the blissful state of semi-denial so it didn't seem nearly as bad. I want so badly to pick up the phone, hear her voice, tease her about being another year older, hear her laughter but I can't. And as much as I've tried to shove them in the back of my head the feelings of loss, emptiness, and whatever else have had me on the edge of tears all day. I hate to cry, it makes me feel weak and yet the tears keep threatening to overwhelm me.