Missing You

I've been thinking about, and missing my Mom alot the past week. It's not an anniversary or near any big holiday's so I'm not really sure what provoked it... BUT the strange thing is that 2 days ago my Friend sent me THIS link because the song made her think of my Mom. Like she said it so fits my Mom... and fits my feelings perfectly too.

Then this afternoon her Obit. that I printed all those years ago suddenly appeared on my desk.

I hate it when this intense missing seems to just comes out of nowhere. I get so annoyed with myself, I know that anniversaries and major holidays (birthdays, Christmas, mother's day, etc) will evoke these feelings and most people seem to know and expect that...But these "bad" REALLY missing/needing her days that come out of nowhere, I HATE! I tell myself shut up, it's been four years, get over it already.... Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I guess realistically that a lot of it is that I have been going to therapy and going through a lot of personal issues with that. Makes me need my Mom there to talk to, lean on, cry on her shoulder, just hold me. Some days the longing to just be safe in her arms is so strong that I just want to be with her. I guess this is what people mean by good days and bad days.

Unanswered questions?

I was talking to my therapist a month or so ago about missing my Mom and she asked me if I had any unanswered questions. At the time I couldn't think of any and said it was only why she had to leave so soon but more the things she wouldn't be there for. It's true there's so much she won't be there for...Graduating nursing school, marriage, kids, etc....

But the past weeks I've been thinking (scary thought I know).... There's so little I know about my mom's childhood and upbringing, her side of the family isn't much into talking so that does me no good. And there's alot I don't know about my own childhood, obviously I remember some but I know very little about my infancy through about the age of 5. There are so many gaps, some it seems a mom can only fill. There are a few stories that got told numerous times that I remember, such as the fact that I was a colicky infant and my father worked the graveyard shift and as soon as he walked through the door my mom would hand me off to him because I had been crying so long. I remember a vague story that perhaps it wasn't that I was really colicky but that my Mom didn't produce enough milk and thats why I was such a cranky baby. I know that I was born at home but that at 5 days old I had to be hospitalized; I had jaundice so bad I had to have a total body blood transfusion. I almost died, spent a few weeks in the hospital. I have a small scar on my belly button and only the vague details above, that's it.

So yes there are unanswered questions....I'm not sure maybe it's because she's gone I want to know these things or maybe just because I am approaching my 30's....Either way I'll never know and that's just another reality, another thing amoung a long list of reasons it sucks to be a "motherless daughter."

A Not so Happy anniversarry

Another year has came and gone. Has it really been FOUR years? When will the so called "time" begin to ease the pain? I constantly wish for just one more moment to see your smiling face, hear your laughter, your voice and feel your arms surround me.

It's funny I am not fond of being touched but it seems there's nothing I wouldn't give to feel the warmth of your embrace. I felt so safe, so secure wrapped in your arms, I guess thats what a mothers unconditional love does.

I miss you mommy and I hope you're at peace. surrounded by those we love; happy safe and secure until we meet again.

Where has the time gone? Can anyone believe that tomorrow is DECEMBER 1st? I sure can't, seems this year is just flying by!

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I made it through another year. The holiday's are tough enough but Thanksgiving is even tougher being that it is literally the last day I saw my precious mother alive.

I'm missing my Mom alot lately and I know that's partially due to the holidays. Also I am going through some personal/health issues where I could really use my Mom's guidance and support.It's so hard to not be able to pick up the phone and have her there to listen, give me advice, or just generally be a shoulder to lean on. I have the rest of my family but it's not the same. However this evening I am feeling pretty positive and I know somehow I will make it through.

WOW, It's been so very long since I have posted here. It's been 3 years and 4 months, I'm not sure I can say that time has really helped. I guess that the grief is "different" now then it was. It's not so raw and fresh but yet I don't feel like I miss her any less in fact sometimes I feel that I miss her MORE because the pain isn't so fresh and the reality that she is never coming back sucks more then anything I could ever imagine.

Everyone tells me She's watching over me. YES I do BELIEVE she's watching over me! I know people think it will make me feel better when they say this but honestly most days all that statement does is piss me off. SO WHAT she's watching over me, how does that help? I can't see her, I can't talk to her and have her answer me, I can't hug her or hold her. Maybe she's proud of me, maybe she thinks I am totally screwing up my life no matter what she thinks she can't tell me these things in a way that I can hear them.

I had a lot more thoughts when I started this post but right now I am too exhausted to put them into words. All I know right now is that I wish my mother was still here to tell me everything is going to be OK.

Happy Birthday Mom!

Well, once again it's the day my mom should be getting a year older. She should be 51 today, instead she's 48 always, and forever. This is her third birthday that has passed without her and yet today isn't any easier then the first or the second. In fact her first birthday that passed without her I was still in the blissful state of semi-denial so it didn't seem nearly as bad. I want so badly to pick up the phone, hear her voice, tease her about being another year older, hear her laughter but I can't. And as much as I've tried to shove them in the back of my head the feelings of loss, emptiness, and whatever else have had me on the edge of tears all day. I hate to cry, it makes me feel weak and yet the tears keep threatening to overwhelm me.

Almost Birthday time again

Ever since September hit I have been depressed (even more so) and missing my Mom. My birthday is a little over a week away. There's something about celebrating the day of my birth when the person who gave birth to me won't be here to celebrate it that really sets me on edge. It will be my third (wow) birthday without my Mom. I can't believe it's been 2 years and 7 months since she died.

I can't see that time is healing anything, if anything lately I find that I miss her even more. Maybe it's my birthday or maybe it's, I don't even know. All I know is I don't seem to be coping all that well. I miss her terribly, there's nothing I wouldn't do to have my Mommy back. Yeah, OK so those are my depressing rambles for the day.