Age is just a number BUT I'm having a hard time turning 30 today, without my Mom here to share it with and tease me about how her baby is getting old. Ever since my Mom died birthday's have seemed so pointless like why celebrate when the person who gave birth to you isn't here anymore?
Given my mother's untimely death, and the recent death of my aunt (her sister) only a year younger then my Mom when she died.... 48 and 47.... It's bringing back all those questionings of mortality. I know it's unrealistic but if I only have 17-18 years left I have to get a move on to have accomplished the things I wish had already been accomplished.
I have more to say on the subject but I'm eexhausted and my racing mind needs to quit so I can get some sleep. Where did the cursed insomnia monster rear it's ugly head from? Just another crappy day in the world of being a motherless daughter, even if it didn't all turn out bad.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
There are days...
There are days when I finally (oh gee 6 years later woohoo) say that things are better, my life just MIGHT be able to move on without her... BUT THEN there are days like today where I just want to cry, scream "WHY WHY WHY did you have to take her???" and just generally pitch a toddler type tantrum.
I want and need my mom still so much and yet she's been gone for 6 years now. Why does this intense ache still hit so hard?
I've been realizing lately that the course of my life could/would have been so much different if my Mom hadn't passed away. At the time my mom had her gastric bypass surgery, 4 moths of hospitalization and then subsequently passed away I was in my final few semesters of Pre-reqs for my RN (registered nursing) degree and would have only had to complete the clinicals. I intended to take a semesters leave-of-absence but that turned into, well 6 years later. Even though in the past year I have decided to take a different route and become a social worker I am currently beating myself up for having not stayed the course. If I had done that I could at least have one college degree under my belt. Ahhh the wonderful effects of grief.
I want and need my mom still so much and yet she's been gone for 6 years now. Why does this intense ache still hit so hard?
I've been realizing lately that the course of my life could/would have been so much different if my Mom hadn't passed away. At the time my mom had her gastric bypass surgery, 4 moths of hospitalization and then subsequently passed away I was in my final few semesters of Pre-reqs for my RN (registered nursing) degree and would have only had to complete the clinicals. I intended to take a semesters leave-of-absence but that turned into, well 6 years later. Even though in the past year I have decided to take a different route and become a social worker I am currently beating myself up for having not stayed the course. If I had done that I could at least have one college degree under my belt. Ahhh the wonderful effects of grief.
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