Thoughts & Ramblings

For awhile everyone asks if you're OK,
But nobody prepares you for the pain that sets in
once the denial has faded away.
For awhile everyone asks if there's anything they can do
But by the time you can think of anything everyone else has moved on.
In the back of your mind, realistically, you know that Mothers are not immortal.
But you don’t expect them to die so young.
You never expect to be the one left behind to try to pick up the shattered pieces,
To do as everyone tells you and “move on” because there is no moving on.
Maybe it gets better, I still haven’t figured that one out yet.
Maybe, as everyone says, time heals; but when? How much time?
My mother taught me so much in life but now that she’s gone,
I realize there are so many things she never taught me.
She didn’t teach me how to deal with the pain of losing her,
She didn’t tell me about the huge hole that would form in my heart,
or the void that would fill my soul.
She never prepared me for all the things she might never be here for.
We always talked about “When” I graduated college
“When” I got married and had kids, and her grandkids.
But those things will never happen, oh well they’ll happen but she won’t be there.
She didn’t tell me that when I wanted to talk about her constantly
or to share my pain with someone, anyone, that understood; that no one would.
She never taught me how much it hurts when the rest of your family starts telling you that you should be “over it.”
How do you get over it? How do you even get to a place where you can be OK?
I never knew how much I would miss the little things, her hugs & kisses, her voice, her laughter, her smile.
And I certainly never grasped how much I would miss the bigger things, her wisdom, her advice, just being a shoulder to cry on when everything seemed to be falling apart, her unconditional love .
I still don’t know how I’m going to face the rest of my life without her in it.
And there are still so many days that I don’t even want to try.
But I know I have to go on, to continue to make her proud;
And I hope she’s looking down on me and smiling, watching over me.