Age is just a number BUT...

Age is just a number BUT I'm having a hard time turning 30 today, without my Mom here to share it with and tease me about how her baby is getting old. Ever since my Mom died birthday's have seemed so pointless like why celebrate when the person who gave birth to you isn't here anymore?

Given my mother's untimely death, and the recent death of my aunt (her sister) only a year younger then my Mom when she died.... 48 and 47.... It's bringing back all those questionings of mortality. I know it's unrealistic but if I only have 17-18 years left I have to get a move on to have accomplished the things I wish had already been accomplished.

I have more to say on the subject but I'm eexhausted and my racing mind needs to quit so I can get some sleep. Where did the cursed insomnia monster rear it's ugly head from? Just another crappy day in the world of being a motherless daughter, even if it didn't all turn out bad.

There are days...

There are days when I finally (oh gee 6 years later woohoo) say that things are better, my life just MIGHT be able to move on without her... BUT THEN there are days like today where I just want to cry, scream "WHY WHY WHY did you have to take her???" and just generally pitch a toddler type tantrum.

I want and need my mom still so much and yet she's been gone for 6 years now. Why does this intense ache still hit so hard?

I've been realizing lately that the course of my life could/would have been so much different if my Mom hadn't passed away. At the time my mom had her gastric bypass surgery, 4 moths of hospitalization and then subsequently passed away I was in my final few semesters of Pre-reqs for my RN (registered nursing) degree and would have only had to complete the clinicals. I intended to take a semesters leave-of-absence but that turned into, well 6 years later. Even though in the past year I have decided to take a different route and become a social worker I am currently beating myself up for having not stayed the course. If I had done that I could at least have one college degree under my belt. Ahhh the wonderful effects of grief.

That Time Again...

It's been so long since I last posted (not that anybody probably reads this anyway), it doesn't mean that I miss my Mom any less, of course. However there was a brief period of time where I could see that perhaps I am SLOWLY healing. While I don't think my Mom's death is something I will ever "get over" in the way people who aren't motherless daughters, who don't and can't understand would like me too; in my own way I am healing. It is a slow process, one that frustrates me, even more so when pushed by the one's who don't understand.

Once again the holiday's are upon us, once again they hold a horribly dark cloud over my head. Perhaps this year it is also because of other things going on in my life..I KNOW the holidays will never be the same without her but I wonder if they'll ever be easier, hold less of a black cloud of despair. Will I ever stop missing her, probably not, but I do wish that I could do more then fake the joy of the holiday season for my "niece and nephew."

Missing You

I've been thinking about, and missing my Mom alot the past week. It's not an anniversary or near any big holiday's so I'm not really sure what provoked it... BUT the strange thing is that 2 days ago my Friend sent me THIS link because the song made her think of my Mom. Like she said it so fits my Mom... and fits my feelings perfectly too.

Then this afternoon her Obit. that I printed all those years ago suddenly appeared on my desk.

I hate it when this intense missing seems to just comes out of nowhere. I get so annoyed with myself, I know that anniversaries and major holidays (birthdays, Christmas, mother's day, etc) will evoke these feelings and most people seem to know and expect that...But these "bad" REALLY missing/needing her days that come out of nowhere, I HATE! I tell myself shut up, it's been four years, get over it already.... Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I guess realistically that a lot of it is that I have been going to therapy and going through a lot of personal issues with that. Makes me need my Mom there to talk to, lean on, cry on her shoulder, just hold me. Some days the longing to just be safe in her arms is so strong that I just want to be with her. I guess this is what people mean by good days and bad days.

Unanswered questions?

I was talking to my therapist a month or so ago about missing my Mom and she asked me if I had any unanswered questions. At the time I couldn't think of any and said it was only why she had to leave so soon but more the things she wouldn't be there for. It's true there's so much she won't be there for...Graduating nursing school, marriage, kids, etc....

But the past weeks I've been thinking (scary thought I know).... There's so little I know about my mom's childhood and upbringing, her side of the family isn't much into talking so that does me no good. And there's alot I don't know about my own childhood, obviously I remember some but I know very little about my infancy through about the age of 5. There are so many gaps, some it seems a mom can only fill. There are a few stories that got told numerous times that I remember, such as the fact that I was a colicky infant and my father worked the graveyard shift and as soon as he walked through the door my mom would hand me off to him because I had been crying so long. I remember a vague story that perhaps it wasn't that I was really colicky but that my Mom didn't produce enough milk and thats why I was such a cranky baby. I know that I was born at home but that at 5 days old I had to be hospitalized; I had jaundice so bad I had to have a total body blood transfusion. I almost died, spent a few weeks in the hospital. I have a small scar on my belly button and only the vague details above, that's it.

So yes there are unanswered questions....I'm not sure maybe it's because she's gone I want to know these things or maybe just because I am approaching my 30's....Either way I'll never know and that's just another reality, another thing amoung a long list of reasons it sucks to be a "motherless daughter."

A Not so Happy anniversarry

Another year has came and gone. Has it really been FOUR years? When will the so called "time" begin to ease the pain? I constantly wish for just one more moment to see your smiling face, hear your laughter, your voice and feel your arms surround me.

It's funny I am not fond of being touched but it seems there's nothing I wouldn't give to feel the warmth of your embrace. I felt so safe, so secure wrapped in your arms, I guess thats what a mothers unconditional love does.

I miss you mommy and I hope you're at peace. surrounded by those we love; happy safe and secure until we meet again.

Where has the time gone? Can anyone believe that tomorrow is DECEMBER 1st? I sure can't, seems this year is just flying by!

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I made it through another year. The holiday's are tough enough but Thanksgiving is even tougher being that it is literally the last day I saw my precious mother alive.

I'm missing my Mom alot lately and I know that's partially due to the holidays. Also I am going through some personal/health issues where I could really use my Mom's guidance and support.It's so hard to not be able to pick up the phone and have her there to listen, give me advice, or just generally be a shoulder to lean on. I have the rest of my family but it's not the same. However this evening I am feeling pretty positive and I know somehow I will make it through.