Missing You

I've been thinking about, and missing my Mom alot the past week. It's not an anniversary or near any big holiday's so I'm not really sure what provoked it... BUT the strange thing is that 2 days ago my Friend sent me THIS link because the song made her think of my Mom. Like she said it so fits my Mom... and fits my feelings perfectly too.

Then this afternoon her Obit. that I printed all those years ago suddenly appeared on my desk.

I hate it when this intense missing seems to just comes out of nowhere. I get so annoyed with myself, I know that anniversaries and major holidays (birthdays, Christmas, mother's day, etc) will evoke these feelings and most people seem to know and expect that...But these "bad" REALLY missing/needing her days that come out of nowhere, I HATE! I tell myself shut up, it's been four years, get over it already.... Does anyone else ever feel like that?

I guess realistically that a lot of it is that I have been going to therapy and going through a lot of personal issues with that. Makes me need my Mom there to talk to, lean on, cry on her shoulder, just hold me. Some days the longing to just be safe in her arms is so strong that I just want to be with her. I guess this is what people mean by good days and bad days.

Unanswered questions?

I was talking to my therapist a month or so ago about missing my Mom and she asked me if I had any unanswered questions. At the time I couldn't think of any and said it was only why she had to leave so soon but more the things she wouldn't be there for. It's true there's so much she won't be there for...Graduating nursing school, marriage, kids, etc....

But the past weeks I've been thinking (scary thought I know).... There's so little I know about my mom's childhood and upbringing, her side of the family isn't much into talking so that does me no good. And there's alot I don't know about my own childhood, obviously I remember some but I know very little about my infancy through about the age of 5. There are so many gaps, some it seems a mom can only fill. There are a few stories that got told numerous times that I remember, such as the fact that I was a colicky infant and my father worked the graveyard shift and as soon as he walked through the door my mom would hand me off to him because I had been crying so long. I remember a vague story that perhaps it wasn't that I was really colicky but that my Mom didn't produce enough milk and thats why I was such a cranky baby. I know that I was born at home but that at 5 days old I had to be hospitalized; I had jaundice so bad I had to have a total body blood transfusion. I almost died, spent a few weeks in the hospital. I have a small scar on my belly button and only the vague details above, that's it.

So yes there are unanswered questions....I'm not sure maybe it's because she's gone I want to know these things or maybe just because I am approaching my 30's....Either way I'll never know and that's just another reality, another thing amoung a long list of reasons it sucks to be a "motherless daughter."

A Not so Happy anniversarry

Another year has came and gone. Has it really been FOUR years? When will the so called "time" begin to ease the pain? I constantly wish for just one more moment to see your smiling face, hear your laughter, your voice and feel your arms surround me.

It's funny I am not fond of being touched but it seems there's nothing I wouldn't give to feel the warmth of your embrace. I felt so safe, so secure wrapped in your arms, I guess thats what a mothers unconditional love does.

I miss you mommy and I hope you're at peace. surrounded by those we love; happy safe and secure until we meet again.