Nursing School

So I am completly psyched. I finally (about a month ago, sorry I'm slow) got the acceptance letter from the private nursing school I applied to. It's a relief to know that I am finally on track to getting my nursing degree.I start in August and then one year later I will finally have my LPN. One more year of the bridge program and I'll have my RN.

I've been working on this for the past five years so it's great to know soon it will all be over and I'll have the career i've been dreaming and talking about for what seems like forever=)

Of course despite my joy I am also painfully aware of the fact that I cannot call my Mom to give her the good news. Everyone else in my family of course was informed within the first 2 days of recieving the letter. If only I could share this with her, but I know wherever she is she's smiling down and proud of her "miss nursie"

OK well I know I am missing at least 3 posts but I hadn't saved or posted those on the MySpace blog so I guess they're lost in the eternal abyss of the internet. *shrugs* I will try to keep things a little more up to date from now on.

A little about The special woman I called Mommy

Dec 16, 2006

A little about the special woman I called Mommy

Just wanted to share a little something I had written about how special my Mom was to me.

My mother was the most incredible woman I have met thus far in my life, not to say she didn't have her bad spots and issues (i.e being co-dependent on my alcoholic father, being too over-controlling sometimes, struggling with an ED herself compulsive over-eating, etc) but all that aside she was still an amazing women. She was the kindest, most compassionate, willing to give anything for someone in need, the most beautiful soul I have meet. My Mom struggeled through raising myself and my little sister, often times with little support from my father as he was an alcoholic and would dissapear for days at a time and was often without work. Yet despite the fact that she was often the soul money earner I did not realize we were poor until I was high school aged, because no matter what I needed my mother always found a way to make it work. For example I was in a ton of sports in high school, this of course gets expensive when you have to have warm-up outfits, cleats, other gear, etc. But no matter what she always found a way to get those things for me AND ENCOURAGE me to pursue the things I loved, even join MORE clubs or sports if I wanted.

She was my number one cheerleader, my number one defender, and for the short five years I got to know her as an adult, my best friend! My mother was one of those people who LITTERALLY would have given someone the shirt off her back had they needed it. She always told me that no matter what I wanted to be I could. I have learning disabilities and ADD, this required my mother to be very proactive as far as my schooling was concerened but SHE never made me feel like I was stupid (even if I sometimes felt I was).

I moved to Florida when I was nineteen (she lived in Maine where I was born and raised), even though she did not WANT me to movwe that far away she SUPPORTED my decision to do so. And whenever I was having problems she was always a phone call away; to give me advice or just to be an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on. When I was twenty-one there was a huge family fued amoungst the half of us that lived in Florida and I moved home to live with my parents and little sister. She, of course welcomed me with open arms; and a year later when I decided that I just couldn't stay in Maine the rest of my life and wanted to move back to Florida she supported me, even though she made it clear she wanted me to stay because she loved having me around

When I moved back to Florida and decided to go to nursing school she sent me supplies and money for books, even though she could not afford to. She also told me how proud she was of me for doing this and any time after that that she called me and had a medical question she would say "So nursie" even though I was not (and have not yet finished) my degree for nursing.

OK so I told you that I would probably start rambling but those are just A FEW of the resons I loved (and still do) my mother so much, why she was so incredibly special, apart from the fact that she was my mother

Forever 48

October 15, 2006

Forever 48

Just sharing a poem I wrote for my Mom....

Forever 48

So many things left to do, so many places yet to see;
countless things I should have said.
You should have turned 50 today but
you will remain forever 48.

The day you left this earth still haunts me,
And images of you in that casket flicker behind my closed eyes.
Sometimes I dream you're still alive,
But wake to find it was all a cruel joke.

Too soon you left this earth,
To go to your heavenly home.
I hope your walking on streets of gold
Where you will forever continue to be, 48.

Sometimes I think I hear your gentle laughter on the breeze.
Sometimes the wind feels like your tender touch.
And I long so for your loving embrace,
And the unconditional love only a mother could show.

I know somewhere out there you're watching over me,
And spending time with loved ones gone before.
I hope it's all you dreamed of, until I see you again;
many more birthday's will pass but you will be forever 48.

Happy Birthday Mom

October 15, 2006

Mom,
Today would have been your 50th birthday, you should be here to celebrate it. Instead you will remain forver 48. I wish you were here for me to raz you about being "really over the hill."

RIP
Mary Catherine Lowe (Mom) October 15, 1956 - February 9, 2005

Late Night Ramblings

Sep 23, 2006

It's been a long day and I am completly and overwhelmingly exhausted. Maybe that is why on the drive to my house I burst into tears over a song that wasn't really all that sad. Or maybe it's because yesterday was my birthday and despite all resonable knowings of the fact that my Mother would not call me I still could not help but have this nagging feeling of waiting for her to call. Even after my Dad and lil sis called to wish me a happy birthday (Thanks Dad, for pointing out that I am getting old, lol) I still could not help but have the nagging albeit wishful thinking in the back of my brain that she would call. Even though last year was technically my first birthday without my Mom (she passed away Feb 9, 2005) it was still fresh enough that I could pretend that maybe it was all just a bad dream that I would awaken from. This year it is impossible to do that as I now realize just how unfairly real it all is! I have been dreading my birthday since the beginning of the month andnow that it's come and gone (well I can't even be technically over it because we're having my family "party" tommorrow/today prob. by the time I am done writting this) it was as bad as I anticipated. I somehow fail to see the point of celebrating a birthday when the person who gave birth to you is no longer here to help celebrate.

late night musings

Sep 18, 2006

It's 10:45 at night. I'm sitting at my kitchen table, reborning a doll for a group I belong to, they do a monthly drawing and I am donating this months 2nd prize baby. My mind really isn't on it so I leave it for another day. My birthday is Friday and as it approaches I dread it more and more. Not only because I am turning 25 and my early twenties have just became my mid twenties soon to be my late twenties and in five short years the big 30. But also because it simply seems that there is no point in celebrating a birthday when the woman who gave birth to me is not here to share it. As I sit here typing I look at my profile picture and am acutely aware that there is something terribly wrong with that picture. There shold be FOUR people in that picture and not three. The people who say that time will ease the pain have obviously never lost their mother. As time goes by (It's already been a year and 7 months) the pain doesn't get any better. If anything it only feels the hole in my heart is growing bigger, day by day. Each day is just another day that she's not here to share, that I can't pick up the phone and tell her I love her. Or call her and bitch about my crazy life. It's days like these, when the pain is so intense, so overwhelming that I just wish that life would be over so I could be with her again. I know I have so much more of my life to live but some days it just seems pointless without her here to share my good days and bad days with. As another birthday approaches I am reminded of all the things I still want to accomplish in life but I am also reminded that my Mom won't be here to see any of them. I feel so guilty that I encouraged her to have the surgery. She wanted to do this so she could be here to see her grandkids but where is she now?!?

My first blog, missing my mom, etc...

May 23, 2006

Well, I've never actually "blogged" before but my boyfriend thinks I'd be good at it since I talk to myself alot, lol. Hey at least I don't answer myself yet, besides "I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every moment of it." I thought I would share part of a poem I started writting the other day with y'all now remember this isn't finished and it's still a rough draft...

Its been a year since youve been gone,
I wonder where the time goes.
How I wish I still had your wisdom to guide me.
Or to hear your gentle voice with which you used to tell me
Everything was going to be ok.
I miss your tender embrace and
that loving smile on your face.

This poem was written for, and dedicated to, my Mom (RIP). I have written a few poems for her over the past year and three months, trying to express the anguish I feel of not having her here. Somehow I thought this would be easier, after all the death I have been through in my life but it is a totally different almost inexplicable loss. How do you go on when the person who brought you into this world has left you at such an early age?

Every day I see mother's with their daughters and this indescribable jealousy, like nothing I have ever felt before wells up inside of me. Or worse yet I hear daughter's speaking ill of their mothers and the only comment I can muster is a biting, sour "Well, at least you have a mother." Is it normal to be this jealous? To be so bitter towards people whose mother's aren't dead? I mean it's not their fault but I still feel this overwhelming jealousy. I want so bad to have my Mom back, or maybe better yet to join her, to be together with her again.

Blogger Issues

OK well, my old blog seems to have been sucked into some kind of internet black hole. I will try my best to restore it and put in the posts I had up but I can't garuntee I will get them all or the accuracy of when I posted them.

Thanks for your patience,
Ari