 | It's 10:45 at night. I'm sitting at my kitchen table, reborning a doll for a group I belong to, they do a monthly drawing and I am donating this months 2nd prize baby. My mind really isn't on it so I leave it for another day.
My birthday is Friday and as it approaches I dread it more and more. Not only because I am turning 25 and my early twenties have just became my mid twenties soon to be my late twenties and in five short years the big 30. But also because it simply seems that there is no point in celebrating a birthday when the woman who gave birth to me is not here to share it.
As I sit here typing I look at my profile picture and am acutely aware that there is something terribly wrong with that picture. There shold be FOUR people in that picture and not three.
The people who say that time will ease the pain have obviously never lost their mother. As time goes by (It's already been a year and 7 months) the pain doesn't get any better. If anything it only feels the hole in my heart is growing bigger, day by day. Each day is just another day that she's not here to share, that I can't pick up the phone and tell her I love her. Or call her and bitch about my crazy life. It's days like these, when the pain is so intense, so overwhelming that I just wish that life would be over so I could be with her again. I know I have so much more of my life to live but some days it just seems pointless without her here to share my good days and bad days with.
As another birthday approaches I am reminded of all the things I still want to accomplish in life but I am also reminded that my Mom won't be here to see any of them. I feel so guilty that I encouraged her to have the surgery. She wanted to do this so she could be here to see her grandkids but where is she now?!? |
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